12 products from hell

As I was "digg-ing" this morning, I found this article at TheMishMash.com. This is actually pretty interesting read, the owner of this blog posted a list of "12 Products from Hell". So I decided to take a swipe at these 12 products that he/she reviewed, and add my one-cent (I'm not worth 2 cents yet) of a review.

(Picture credits: themishmash.com)

12: Kostelecké Uzeniny Sausage

I don't know. Doesn't label give you tingly commie "feel". The sausage makers are using "propaganda poster" red on the label. Even the artwork feels a little Stalin-ish. Look at the eyes on the guy? I'm wondering what he's looking at, maybe a big pair of meatballs?

Doesn't that guy on the label look like Harold Lloyd only without glasses? Maybe the Czechoslovakian sausage makers are trying to pay homage to silent movie star.

11: Vinnie's Tampon Case

How many fucking tampons does a person need to have with them at all times anyways? Does anyone really need a case just to store tampons? Even if they were going to make a tampon case, can't they at design one that's more female friendly? With flowers and bunnies and shit? I wonder what were the marketing execs thinking when they decided to use a a greasy trucker with acne problem as their mascot. I'm no women expert, even I know that putting "that" on the cover of your product is stupid. What women in their sane mind would buy that.

And the other thing is, don't women have handbags? A woman's handbag is like the real-life equivalent of a Doraemon pocket. They store their life in their bags. I'm pretty sure you can find everything except the kitchen sink in a woman's handbag. I've never met any women who admit that can't find things that they need from their handbags. Couldn't they fit a tampon in the bag? If they can't fit a tampon in their handbag, they definitely will not be able to fit the carrying case in the handbag, either. And with that hideous design, I doubt any woman would carry that case on it's own.

10: Mr Brain Faggots

Get it at your local Tesco.

I've got three questions:

Actually, according to Wiki, there are faggots and there are faggots. There are a variety of faggots. A faggot could be the following:

The packet, I assume (and hope), was referring to the 2nd type of faggot.

9:Joke Breast

Get them here.

Read the caution label.

Even joke boobs can get sun burned. These boobs are going to damn pale after summer. Ok, maybe with some sun block.

No sunblocks too? And you can't moisturize. Always cook with microwave. Cooking in front of a stove produces heat that causes the silicone to expand and burst?

I won't if they are fun.

Honestly, what's the use of these rubber knobs anyways? Do you use them as erasers? I can't even find any use for them. At least, stick a magnet of these boobs. I can tell people these are novelty refrigerator magnets.

Notice, it's designed for ages 5 and up. What 5 year old plays with boobs? What message are we sending to the kids?

The picture on the "box" shows the boy sticking these rubber boobs on his face and nose. What's he trying to be? Nipple-Face Boy? He definitely will need more than a pack of nipples to pull it off. And don't get me started on Finger-Boob Girl.

8:Pork Brains and Milk Gravy

MMMmmmm.. taste like pudding. Brain pudding.

If they sell it here, I'd definitely give it a shot. Doubt I will like it, but hey, its something special. But I think, eating this shit in the long run will definitely clog up my arteries.

Plus, milk gravy is so boring. Here' an alternate recipe for pig brain, which I think looks and most definitely taste better than a milk gravy. But why eat the brain when you can have it transplanted into your own brain.

Pigs in a blanket (pig cells in a seaweed blanket) can be implanted to the human brain to treat Huntington disease. I'm not making this up. BBC says so.

7: Super Big Boy Condoms

Get it here

You better be rocking a John Holmes sized cock to be before you attempt to buy this condom.

Because with a brand name like "Big Boy"--with the emphasis on "BIG"-- and stallion for it's logo, it has got to mean something. Are they targeting the big cock demographic?

If you are not big or hung like a stallion, does that mean you can't buy this condom? If you sport a petite one, do you even dare to buy this brand of condom?

Ironically, this shit is being sold in Japan. As to why I use the word ironic to describe this situation, it's because, years of Japanese porn and access to the information superhighway has taught me one thing. Japanese men are not hung like stallions. They are not small, but I wouldn't call them big either.

Is there a psychological reason behind this? More of stroking of the small-cocked ego perhaps?

6: 666 Cold Medicine

Cold medicine for Satan perhaps. Pretty fucking weird also. If people always say the "fiery depths of hell", how the fuck would Satan get a cold? Doesn't heat, especially fiery heat kills off whatever germs you have?

5: Pickle Juice

Whoever thought of this might be the smartest person or most stupidest person alive. He/she has thought of a way to recycle your pickle juice, which you can get for free from your pickle bottle. Why pay?

And if pickles are yellow (with a hint of greenish tint), why does the pickle juice look like diluted sperm?

I'll stick to my Gatorade. Thank you very much.

4: Slim Mouth Piece

I think the manufacturers of this device must be high of fucking weed if they think this is going to reduce the wrinkle lines around your mouth. No fucking way. It's worst than a retainer. With retainers, at least you look geeky, and being geeky is not necessary a bad things these days. With that stupid device. you look like a fucking retard with a piece of plastic on you mouth.

The only use I could think of this device is make your mouth bigger. Probably use it to accommodate the Big Boy customers, maybe.

3: Spotted Dick Microwavable Sponge Pudding

Why would anyone want to eat a nuke-able can of genital wart filled penis?

2: Rap Snacks Potato Chips

Let me guess, the available flavors are:

1: Fat Lips Party Joke

Just what I need for Halloween. This is brilliant, especially if you are a fan of Hong Kong slapstick comedies, the exploding sausage lips. I put this right up there with the Wind-Up Chattering Teeth.

Or women can buy this and go as Angelina Jolie.


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11:47:00 AM,

At Sep 19, 2013, 6:25:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a European guy living in Japan, I can tell you that the "super big boy" condoms are just the most commonly available "L-size" condom that corresponds to a normal size European one. So you don't need to be hung like a horse. It is flattering though ;)  

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