man marries dog, literally


man marries dog
Source: AP Photo


Man in India marries dog as atonement
Tue Nov 13, 4:56 PM ET

NEW DELHI - A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.

How does anyone marry a dog? I mean, what would you put on the marriage certificate? I don't think there's any box on the marriage application form that allow him to tick species (canine) or gender (bitch) of the bride.

What about marital obligations? How would they consummate their marriage? Engaging in man-dog love? Bestiality? If they were to do it, wouldn't it be a tad boring in the long run, being only able to engage in doggy style?

And he stoned 2 dogs to death? Really? I mean ..really? How does anyone really stone any dog to death? Did he poison these dogs first? Were these dogs dead or unconscious?

Dogs are not stupid. Most of them are smarter than humans. Hey, have you heard of any dog saying anything about marry humans. Well, even if you don't speak dog, I'm pretty sure you've seen seeing-eye dogs, you know, for the blind. These dogs can basically function like a human, except they walk on four feet. Think about it, these dogs walk on the street like normal human. They take the zebra-crossing when they want to cross the road. They understand that red means stop.

I'm pretty friggin sure that if you running towards one with a brick in hand instead of the regular bowl of water and dog chow, the dog would probably sense something is wrong. Right?

And in this case, it's not only one dog. There are 2 dogs. How the fuck did he manage to pummel two dogs with a stone without getting hurt at all? Or did he?


P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

I'm really curious how did the family really choose the dog? I can only imagine the conversation that they had:

Mom: I like this bitch, she's got good teeth.
Dad: I like the beagle. She's got good teeth and a nice coat of fur. Nice strong legs hind legs.
Sis: But Dad, she's got fleas. You know how Selva hates fleas.
Bro: Mom, the French poodle's got nice hair too. All curly and poofy and shit.
Mom: But, poor Selva's probably going to spend tonnes of money at the salon if he marries the poodle. Look at that hair, maintaining that perm job's not going to be cheap.
Sis: Mom, the poodle's cute. Plus, she's French. She's a Gum Paapa.
Dad: Think of what your dead grandmother would say. My god, children. She'd rise from her grave knowing me have a Durai in our family. No, no. I will not allow this.
Mom: Your father is right. We are not ready for this. We can't have a white person in our village. Think of what the neighbors would say. The travesty. I will not allow it. No. That's the end of it.
Dad: I say we go with the brown colored Mutt. She' not white. Good strong legs. Clean teeth. Shiny fur coat. And most importantly, no rabies. All for the mutt say "Aye".
Mom, Sis: Aye.
Dad: Son?
Bro: But dad ...
Dad: SON!
Bro: OK, OK. Aye.
Dad: Selva's mother. Please go to Guru-jit and seek his blessing for this union and find out what's an auspicious date for the wedding. Make haste woman.

And shit, what do you tell the sari shop guy?

Mom: I need a sari for my son's wedding.
Sari Guy: Wow, congratulations madam. What size are you?
Mom: No, it's not for me. It's for my daughter-in-law to be.
Sari Guy: Very well. What size is she?
Mom: Medium, dog.
Sari Guy: Excuse me?
Mom: Medium, dog. She's brown, so I will need something light in color, and maybe silk. That should go well with her fur color.
Sari Guy: Did you say dog?
Mom: Yes, dog.
Sari Guy: I ... might have something .. so medium child perhaps ...?


Selvakumar, 33, told the paper he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago.

"After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear," he said in the report.

Selvakumar, you sick son of a bitch. Hmmm...bitch. Marrying female dog...nevermind. Not only you stoned the the dogs to death, you had to hung their carcases on a tree? Sick dude. Fucking sick! Freddy Krueger sick!

For the muscular dystrophy and hearing loss, are you sure it's not the rabies? Apparently, rabies can cause your nervous system to be damaged. Maybe he's got some natural immunization against rabies. Maybe he's just lucky he's not dead yet.


The paper said an astrologer had told Selvakumar the wedding was the only way he could cure the maladies. It did not say whether his situation had improved.

Which astrology school would teach that, I wonder. The "Let's Screw with Selva's Life" school of astrology?


Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can ward off certain curses.

The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to the dog, which was wearing an orange sari and a flower garland.

They decided to go with a light-colored sari anyways. I guess the flower garland is to disguise the fact that poor Selva's marrying a bitch. I'm thinking, maybe it will make the dog look less dog-ey and more human.


The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.

Dog: Fuck! I'm warding off all this bad karma for you, and all I get is a fucking bun? Fuck!

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