man arrested for humping bicycle


pink huffy bike, pete doherty's ride


Bike sex man placed on probation

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

What the fuck did he do wrong? What, a man can't have sex with an inanimate object without getting fucked over by the government anymore? Will or can the inanimate object ..er..object to him having sex with it? It's consensual sex isn't it?

And what makes humping a bicycle a crime but humping a blowup doll isn't? Both are inanimate objects, both consist of rubber, granted the bike might have more steel on it, I guess you can think of it as a sex doll with lots of piercings. But my point is, isn't it the same thing? It's not human. So, the law of consensual sex doesn't apply here, does it?


Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Stupid fuck! Admit to nothing and deny everything. Just shut the fuck up. Here's a picture of the Robert, if you are curious:

robert stewart, bike humper

His chest looks kinda pinkish, like the Huffy bike above, don't you think? Maybe it's the paint from the bike, I don't know. Wash that shit off you dumb fuck! And you know, he looks kinda naked underneath that stupid jacket..eew. Purge from brain, purge! Purge! Puke! Puke! Spit! Spit!


Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

3 years? 3 fucking years for humping a bicycle? You've got to be kidding me.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

He was in his room? Can't a man fuck in peace anymore? Fuck, maybe he should have stuffed a sock on the fucking doorknob or something.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

If he was concentrating on getting off, how the fuck was he supposed to hear the door knocking? Even if he heard the door knocking, he'd have to ask himself, if he should cum first or stop what he was doing and answer the door and have to start all over again. It's a no brainer ain't it? But I guess he chose to cum first.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Oooh .. was he being kinky? He wasn't completely naked. I guess he respected the bike too much to show it his fat belly. But since the penis is an essential tool in the humping process, he had to take off his pant.


Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Stupid cleaners should have stopped when they heard the rubber tires screeching and, the bicycle bell ringing with some old dude talking dirty to it. It's not really the guy's fault that they saw him fucking his own bike.


Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

So I guess all those homo-erotic cell block experiments with the night sticks and handcuffs doesn't seem that weird anymore.


Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

Who hasn't fucked the wrong person when they where drunk? Or in this case, a bike.


The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

Maybe he ran out of bikes to hump in his old place.

Robert Steward: I'm sick fucking those country bike bitches in Girvan. I want to hump some city bitches. Bring on the BMXs, and the Huffys. The brakes on these city bikes are so, fine. So fine.

Good thing, he's not alone. Here are some other inanimate object fuckers who got caught (please Google them yourself if you want the details):

Ian Curtis
Wife caught him fucking a frozen chicken clad in blouse and stockings. She said to him "You dirty b*****, that’s my Sunday lunch", and he responded, "It’s all right. We can still eat it". Nice.

Robert Watt
Tried to fuck a shoe on Edinburgh Street and was fined £100.

Steven Marshall
Teenager from Galashiels, UK, dry humped a pavement while intoxicated.

Chris Donald
A mechanic that has sex with cars. How ironic. That's like getting molested by your own doctor.

That's all.

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2 Comments:
At Dec 7, 2007, 8:16:00 PM, Blogger Danesh.Manoharan said...

sick fuck!!  

At Dec 7, 2007, 11:01:00 PM, Blogger mellowed blues said...

I'm just waiting for someone to start fucking frozen turkey while wearing a gimp suit, with a gerbil shoved up his ass at the same time deep throating a goat.  


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