top 10 most annoying alarm clocks
I got this email from Alissa. Pretty amazing inventions. But I think they can do better. I've decided to add my two cents to each of these alarm clocks.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
#10 - Climbing clock . It hangs above your head and starts climbing while it rings. Don't wake up fast enough, and you won't be able to shut it up without a ladder.
It's just stupid that you have to get a ladder just to shut off you stupid alarm clock (that's the idea, I know). But here's what I suggest.
- Replace the cheap plastic alarm clock with a coconut. It's cheaper.
- Instead of letting the alarm clock to continue climbing while it rings, just rig it and make sure that the alarm clock raises maybe 4 to 5 feet above you, tops. Anything higher would be fatal for what I have in mind. And when it reaches the top, the alarm clock drops the coconut on you.
- If you are adventurous and have a strong skull, position the coconut to drop on your head. If you call-in sick, at least you know that you are not lying to your boss. At least noone can call you a liar for saying that you have a headache because you had a coconut dropped on your noggin.
- If you decided to train your abs like Van Damme did in Kickboxer, rig it so that the coconut alarm clock descends on your abs after it reaches its peak. For more information, please refer to the Youtube clip below, specifically at 3:59.
- Or if you are gunning for a home made vasectomy, just make sure that the coconut drops on your nuts. (He, he. Coconuts and nuts)
# 9 Wake Up Puzzle . You have to build the puzzle to make it stop
Instead of making it a 4-piece puzzle, try making it into like a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle. That way, when you set your alarm clock at 6:30am, your internal biological alarm clock will tell you that you need to be up by 6:15am. Because you don't want to be listening to that stupid alarm blaring at you when you wake up and start putting that 100 piece of puzzle together.
# 8 Wake or Curse . You can ask it what the time is and it will answer. But if you don't wake up quickly enough it will curse you.
I want this! But to make it more annoying, you should put the voice of your mom or wife or girlfriend nagging at you. Come on, I listen to profanity everyday. I dish out a fair share of cursing every day. So people cursing at me, is like Mozart to my ears. But what I find annoying is people nagging me. That would wake me the fuck up, immediately. Imagine your mom shouting at you to get you to school. Your girlfriend asking you, if you've left the toilet seat up again. I'd be annoyed to the infinite-th degree.
# 7 High Tech . This one has a vibrator, 95 db alarm and police style rotating light that you cannot ignore.
I like the law enforcement theme. I'd still like to stick with this theme. So what I would do is change it to prison settings. Instead of a vibrator, I'd install electric wiring under the bed, sort of like electric fence. So when it rings, it sort of sends tiny, electric current surging through my body. Instead of the police style rotating lights, I'd just install spotlights. 300-watt spotlights, like the ones they use in the guard towers. When the alarm is set off, the spotlights are automatically switch on, and shines over the bed. It's gonna be hard to stay in bed with a shitload of lights shining on you.
# 6 Find The Pin - You need find the right pin to stop it's ringing. Not going to stay sleepy after this mission.
Looks like a underwater mine. Imagine, you stick this into a pool of water above your head (just need to find a way to hang an aquarium above your bed). When the alarm rings, it sets off the mine, and blows a shitload of water onto you. Surefire way to wake up.
# 5 Chicken and Egg Problem - The egg laying alarm clock. It will only quiet down after you put all the eggs back.
This is just sick. The egg comes out of the chicken and you stick it back in the same hole? That's like plastic animal cruelty, giving the chicken an egg enema. Sick.
# 4 GI Joe . You will wake to the sound of your commander's wake up call. Don't mess with it.
I'd love to get my hands on this one. I'd load it up with quotes from Full Metal Jacket, specifically from this character called Gunnery Sargent Hartman. Here are some of his famous quotes:
"Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!"
"Today, you people are no longer maggots. Today, you are Marines. You're part of a brotherhood. From now on until the day you die, wherever you are, every Marine is your brother. Most of you will go to Vietnam. Some of you will not come back. But always remember this: Marines die. That's what were here for. But the Marine Corp lives forever. And that means YOU live forever."
"If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?"
"Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you all until you fucking die. I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk."
"The deadliest weapon in the world is a marine and his rifle. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive in combat. Your rifle is only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not kill. You will become dead marines and then you will be in a world of shit because marines are not allowed to die without permission. Do you maggots understand"
"Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress."
"Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pertty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful. Port, hut! "
"What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?"
"You Goddamn communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love the Virgin Mary, or I'm gonna stomp your guts out! Now you DO love the Virgin Mary, don't ya?"
# 3 Floating Around - Will float around the room until you'll catch it.
Change it hot air balloon. When it inflates to the max, it explodes. Bye bye, money.
# 2 Kaboom - This acoustic grenade will wake the neighborhood with it's ultra loud sound level.
Make sure you toss the pin out the window when you set it the night before. That way, you'll know you will need to wake up.
# 1 Hide and Seek - The winner is the hide and seek alarm clock. Once it begins to ring it falls down to the floor and finds a random place to hide. Chase it down or else you're doomed.
Alternatively, just hang your alarm clock on your dog's flea collar. When it rings, it will just freak out your dog, and it will start running amok around your house. You'd have to chase your dog just to shut it down.
- At Apr 29, 2010, 5:27:00 PM, Term Papers said...
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